Haters Exist Off The Internets Too

Its amazing how cruel and thoughtless people can be at times.

Everyone who has a blog, with any sort of following will at one point or another become more than slightly aquainted with a troll. The number and voracity of such encounters increases exponentially with ones popularity. (which may explain why I seem to find so many feral fuckers - coz I'm just so god-damn awesome!)

None of that surprises me. We have all had the discussion about the nameless-faceless-anonymity of the internet and the way that changes our perceptions and participation in the usual social graces. We all know how easily the written word can be interpreted in a myriad of ways, some of which can be vastly dissimilar to the writers' intended meaning.

What surprises me lately, albeit somewhat stupid of me to be surprised, is how people in the real world, in our day-to-day lives are starting to behave less and less civilised, to ignore the rules of propriety and social concience. People, on a whole, are getting far too rude and big for their boots.

This isnt only limited to strangers and aquaintences, both of whom are beginning to take far too many liberties, but extends also to those closest to us.

Now we all know blogging is fame-whoring at its most grandious - a place to whinge, bitch, moan, complain, preach and generally espouse a multitude of, lets face it, CRAP from the world's biggest soap box. And that's what we expect when we come and read our daily blogs. Sure there are some diar-like entries, some fictional writings, along with a smattering of amateur jounalism and informational outpourings..... but on a whole, its just a bunch of people, mostly women, having a good ole chinwag minus the coffee or the back fence.

It seems that people online, complete strangers and those who know me best all feel a similar need this week. An obviously BURNING DESIRE to tell me what's on their mind, regardless (not IR-regardless as there is no such word) of how I may feel about it. And let me tell you, as this is a blog and is therefore the accepted place for bitching, that this has not been pleasant. Or reasonable. Or even understandable.

Yes Inadequate Boyfriend and I have broken up. Unusually for me, I am barely commenting on that, either here or verbally, to anyone. Believe me though when I tell you I feel alot about it. I feel many MANY things, and in great amounts. Anger, hurt, disappointment, failure, dismay, loss..... many things. Maybe the fact that I have been so unusually quiet should suggest to you all that it is a big deal. I dunno.

But despite all that, I have knowledge of something that could change this man's life. There are so many possibilities in the medical feild at the moment of which I am aware. There is the best possible chance EVER in his lifetime that he could experience an improvement in his quality of life. For fucks sake, the man has the chance to walk unaided, to see clearly, to be pain free, and so many more things........ its honest to god INCREDIBLE.

Why then, do you all find it so unfatholmable that I would be excited for him? That I would care? That I would help him be a part of these developments? That I would assist him to get this done ASAP?

I loved this man. I was incredibly IN love with him. And yes, I love him still.

Yes, we are over. Yes, that wa my decision. Yes I could reverse that at any point I wished........... but I haven't.

I still care deeply for this man. And while I don't have MS and cannot fully appreciate what it is like for anyone who has, I have faced other situations which give me SOME sort of an idea how huge this is for him. Not only that, but I have lived with this man for 5 years. Every symptom he has suffered, every degeneration, every step down that slippery slope of MS - I've been there, holding his hand, supporting him, accomodating him, accepting him and his limitations. I have changed MY life around him to accomodate his inabilities.

I've cried along side him over what this disease has done. I've felt it. Not in full, but definately in part.

So when I man that I care deeply for - whether we are married or not, living together or not, committed to each other or not - when that man has a chance to be the man he was, the man he still is inside..... FUCK YEAH I'm going to do what I can to help him achieve that.

I dont need to be his wife, his girlfriend, his partner, or anything at all to feel this way. I am his friend. Friends are there for each other. Despite all the flaws. Or maybe because of them. I dont know.

Friends, TRUE friends forgive each other for hurting each other. REAL friends know in their heart that the other never meant to hurt them, never intentionally caused the fuck-ups. And there is always,  ALWAYS something that goes wrong between two people, no matter what their relationship, given enough time.

True friendship forgives. True friendship helps out. And I for one am a true friend.

So no, we are not getting back together. And no, I am not going to stop helping him. Why? Because I have a heart.

And you do not have any right to tell me not to. If you were a TRUE friend of mine, you would ask what you could do to help. Or maybe tell me how well I have done to accomplish what I have. At the very least, you would wish me luck. If you were concerned for me, you might say you were concerned, and hope I wasnt getting in too deep for my own good.

But you wouldnt tell me I wasting my time. You wouldnt tell me I was doing the wrong thing. You wouldnt tell me I was stupid. You wouldnt tell me its not good enough, or that IM not good enough. You wouldnt rant for 40 minutes about how his family should be helping instead of me. You wouldnt suggest he was using me to cure him so he can go find someone better.

And Mum, you most of all should believe me when I say I dont care if he DOES get better and go find someone else. You should believe me when I say that all I care about is that he DOES get better.

We broke up. And it was me who left. And I dont expect him to be celibate for the rest of his life.

I just want him to HAVE a "rest of his life". Anyone who cared about him would.