How to Destroy Your Life in 10 Easy Steps

1. Go into business with your boyfriend

2. Have an arrangement between that business and your employer

3. Make a second, seperate business deal between yourself personally, the owner of the business you work for, and your boyfriend. One where you renovate a private property together to make an absolute killing. A property that your employer was granted in a divorce settlement.

4. Have your boyfriend remove an item from the property without permission. Have him admit this to you by way of a story which does not add up.

5. Be so in shock that you can't process it and simply pretend it didnt happen for a few hours. When going to bed that night, allow the full impact of the situation to hit you. Considering you manage the entire financial portfolio for this man who has just been stolen from, you know you must be 300% trustworthy. That any, and I mean ANY indescretion (intentional or otherwise) will seriously damage the level of trust that is placed in you.

6. When calmly raising the issue with that boyfriend, have him react in an extreme manner. Have him blame you. Have him not apologise, care about the impact he is causing to your life, or the fact that he has risked both yours and your son's financial security, and your honour. Have him say terrible things because you said what he did was theft, and have him turn it on you, saying things in a way that makes you the bad guy, or the person who is in the wrong no matter which way you respond.

7. Ask him "if it is not stealing, then what is it?" Have him not only be unable to answer, but refuse to. Have him additionaly make demands on you to answer unrelated questions of his before he will answer you. Know in your heart that you will never ever get an answer

8. Sit at your desk, shaking, thinking about the whole thing until you have to make a dash to the loo to vomit.

9. Know in your heart that you must protect yourself and your child. That no matter how you feel towards this man, no matter what you have done for him, all that shit, that he does not truly care for you at all. Prepare yourself for the inevitable - walking into your boss's office and admitting to him all that has ahppened so that he may make an informed decision on how to proceed. Hope that by being honest about your total fuckup, taking responsibility for vouching for other people's integrity when that is now obviously a grevious error, that you may keep at least SOME of your integrity, dignity, respect and trust. Either way, it is the right thing to do, the only thing to do, the only outcome you can live with within yourself.

10. Acknowledge to yourself that your job is in jeopardy. That the man you love will apparently hang you out to dry without so much as a second thought. That you can never trust him again. That you should have known he would have let you down. Because he always does. Because he is never there when it is truly needed. That your feelings when he told you of the phone calls he was intercepting for "M" and how he dealt with them was your heart telling you the truth. You are not now, nor have you ever been, nor will you ever be, loved by him.

And, after completely fucking up your life the way only you can, realise that your aren't on your own now. You already, always, were.

*****

I know it was me who fucked this up. I shouldn't have gambled my integrity on someone else's. No matter who they are, or what they mean to me. I should have known that he would try and blame me somehow. That he would make me feel bad to cover up for his bullshit. To shift HIS blame onto ME. He always does. I also know that he is responsible for his own actions, that him, or his cousin, or whoever took the item knew what they were doing and made their own decision. I know that decision showed zero respect for me, and that his refusal to even admit the extent of the situation is proof positive that he does not acknowledge his responsibility. 

Mostly though, I know I should have known better. Did know better, in fact. And did it anyway. I have no self control when it comes to pleasing others at my own expense. And I literally, seriously, honestly HATE myself for it.

Not that he will ever read this, but for the record: 

I don't care if you want to call it stealing, theft, or whatever other name you have for it that you are refusing to provide (because I know there isnt one). It was WORNG. However you look at it or whatever words you use to describe it. It. Was. Wrong. Not only was it wrong, but YOU did it. YOU are to blame. YOU are responsible. You betrayed me, and you put me at risk. You put my child at risk. You have not apologised. You have not taken responsibility for it. And you have not cared about anything other than making yourself "not look bad". Well, you DO look bad. You ARE bad. Maybe I could have forgiven you if you had admitted it. But not now that you have tried to put it all on me. I wasnt wrong for saying you stole it. You did. But if you dont want to call it that, fine. Call it what you want. But you were wrong. And your not sorry.

And I am not speaking to you again until you admit that. The truth is all that there is left. I have it. We are done.