Bohemian Rhapsody

Epiphany: I think I am depressed.

I'm sure it has been blatantly obvious to everyone, even those as dumb as Dubya, but I have only truly realised this for myself today. Which I'm thinking is probably a fair indicator of the depth of this particular valley I find myself in.

I'm a swirling bucket (or barrel as the case may be) of crisis' and neurosis' (can that be plural?) and as this is my catharsis, well, here I am, writing. Hoping that perhaps it will provide at least a soft glow to guide me out of the stupefying fog I find myself in.

I feel physically ill. I'm not me anymore. I cant even say I'm someone else, because there simply isn't anyone else here. The cliche of an empty shell is a perfect metaphor for my current state of being. At least, I think I am still 'being'. I'm not really sure. The Earth may be turning for all of you, but I find myself agreeing with scholars of old. The Earth, she is most decidedly flat. Or at least I am.

I thought I was in a funk. But its more. I don't even recognise myself. And I have nobody to blame but myself. No, this isn't a pity party, so don't go getting out the streamers just yet. It's just that I am capable of assessing situations and seeing my own part in it, and ADMITTING it. To myself, if no-one else.

I am a pretty awesome person. I know that's not what depressed people are supposed to think about themselves. They're supposed to be all hopeless and pathetic and self deprecating. It helps with the wrist slashing. I'm not so stupid. Suicide is not an option, I'm a mum FFS. If I lay myself down in a warm red bathtub, who would do the ironing? The depressing part of knowing your awesome comes when you look at yourself and see you sure as shit are not BEING the awesome that you ARE. Wasted potential and what-not. Whatevs. I know I'm better than this. Well, I know I'm capable of being better, I know I should BE better, but I'm just not.

You only want what you cant have. How juvenile of me. But true. Yet not. I cant have any more kids. I didn't really want to. But now, finding out I cant, well, its not as nothing as I expected it to be. Maybe I'm just grieving the total cock-up that was my last pregnancy. I missed out on so many of the experiences that are meant to be the bits you enjoy, and copped so much crap. I am the cautionary tale you tell your teenage daughter. I am the horror story you tell first time mums to scare them. It wasn't fair. It isn't fair. And whilst I don't think I really do want any more children, I wish I could have the experiences I wanted so much, but missed out on. I guess if I'm throwing a pity party, there are the balloons.

Work is SHITE. I was promised a review. Performance bonuses. Salary increase if I could show it was warranted and affordable. I work in an industry that not only have I not worked in before, but know very little about. And the little I know now leads me to believe the industry is seriously fucked up the arse. Nobody has a single brain cell, let alone 2 to rub together. The boys at work are exactly that, BOYS. The oldest is what, 23? There are people there who were born in the NINETIES people! I feel so OLD! There is only one other woman there beside me, and that's half of the husband/wife ownership team. I miss my conversation. It was to be expected really, but she cant relinquish any control. ANY. I know there's a period where I have to prove myself worthy, but seriously, even the most mundane tasks are still double handled by her PERSONALLY to ensure its all done right. I don't cope with that well. Especially as she has no training in accounting and her idea of "right" is sometimes, well, RETARDED AND WRONG. Financially I'm feeling the pinch. I know my capabilities, and was banking on the 3 month review and subsequent increases in funding. And there, folks, is the cake for the party.

My love life is shit. Basically I don't have one. Inadequate Boyfriend was married prior to us getting together. He is loving his freedom. He is a typical man, and after 20 years of marriage is revelling in his new-found freedom. Ok so its been like 5 years so its not really new, but you know what I mean. I on the other hand had four years + of freedom before we hooked up. Long story short, he is enjoying dating and having fun, while I am wanting something more..... real. He wants to date, albeit only with me, whereas I want to be half way between being an exclusive couple, and living together. Its not working. Its not enjoyable. We want different things, and like the man he is, he wont admit it, or relinquish what he has because he is getting what he needs. I want to discuss this, get a definitive answer, know where I stand. He doesn't. Stupid men and they're inability to TALK. And there's all the alcohol this party will need.

My car is dead. Its going to cost a fortune to fix. Its taking forever. I'm stuck at home like a prisoner. With an 8 year old. I cant do anything independently and need to rely on either cabs/public transport or the generosity of friends. Fuck that. And there you have the soundtrack to the party.

My friends aren't calling me. I'm having to make all the calls, send all the notes, email, facebook messages, texts, snail mail, etc that is required to keep friendships alive. It bothers me. Are they really a friend if they never call? And there you have the streamers.

Oh, and I'm fat. So fat I feel like shit in everything I wear. I feel out of place at every event. I have a big personality. I stand out wherever I go. Except lately nobody notices me. I don't even notice myself. I feel awkward and out of place. I dont feel like me at all. And there you have it, the party is catered.

I cant sleep, and then I cant stop sleeping.
I cant motivate myself to do anything, and then I cant stop doing things.
The nothingness inside me scares me, and then it feels like home.
I desperately want to change, then I couldn't care less.
I want to cry, but cant.
I dont want to cry, but cant stop.
I want to stop feeling, but cant break out.
I want to feel something, anything, anything at all to break the void, but then I relish the nothingness.

I just feel all wrong. That is, when I feel anything at all.

I'm exhausted. In every sense that I can think of.

Just......... Empty.

So........ Meh.

And to bring this pity party to a fitting end, full circle if you will, to match the title....

"Nothing really matters, to me"