I agreed to complete a business-related task for my Inadequate Boyfriend. Last night, because I hadn't yet done so over the weekend, he repeatedly asked if I was going to do it. I was insulted and upset. I have never once failed to do something for him that I said I would. Not one single time have I not been able to be relied on, in the entire time we have been together. And this despite HIS many failures. I firmly believe that as I have done PLENTY to warrant earning his trust, and have NEVER let him down, that I should be given the benefit of the doubt. Not that there should even BE any doubt, because what does it matter if I did it at 5.30 Friday afternoon, or at 8.00 this morning, or at any point in between? They wont get the email until 9.00am today anyway, will they?
So anyway, I ring him to clarify some details, as he hadn't supplied all the necessary info, and I didn't want to write the wrong thing, sign his name to it and have it be wrong and do him harm. I'm not a bitch. Clearly I'm a nice person by agreeing to help him out, as this is a task I am good at and he is not. (plus he has destroyed yet another laptop and therefore cannot do it himself).
Anyway, I call him, and say "so this *task* you asked me to do.....". This is the point where I planned on asking the relevant questions. However I didn't get to. Inadequate Boyfriend cut in, mid sentence, and started telling me what I already knew. It seems that yet again, despite knowing one of my pet hates is being interrupted and spoken over (I not only find it frustrating in the extreme, but also terribly rude, and besides - I'm so fucking nuts that half the time people have NO IDEA how the hell I get from point A to point B in my thoughts, so how can you "pre-empt" what I'm about to say when you constantly tell me you had no idea that I was going to say it???) he decides to speak over me.
Since this is one of our regular arguments, I wait for him to finish spouting his crap that I already knew and is completely pointless to tell me, wasting valuable getting-ready time in the morning (have you tried to get kids to school AND look pretty for work AND be on time on a Monday? You need all the time you can get!). So once he is finished, I ask permission to finish my sentence. Smart-arsed? Yes, I was, however I am under the apparently misguided opinion that I am allowed to speak. So he starts yelling, bitching, and ranting and raving. Asks me what I was going to ask, because he thinks in cutting me off, he had already answered whatever I was phoning to ask. I ask my 2 questions, and he has to answer them, because guess what? He DIDN'T know what I was asking, he HADN'T already told me like he yelled he had, and as pre-school as it sound, *I* was right (nah nah nah-nah- nah).
Ok, Ok, so I pushed the point (I was annoyed dammit) and pointed out the fact that I was right, and that I am, in fact, allowed to speak. Cue usual argument with Inadequate Boyfriend bitching and moaning and yelling at me, asking if *I* got out of bed on the wrong side or something (ummm, pot? meet kettle - not that I said it, but I thought it) and finished up by telling me that this is apparently why he doesn't call me. In fact, 2 thoughts went through my head here, one being that I think he doesn't call me because he doesn't want to and so therefore whats the point of being together, and the second one being that he calls me when he wants something, so not calling me must mean he doesn't want anything just then. I didn't say these things though, there's no point. I sighed an inward little sigh, and 95% gave up. Thinking that all this was because I tried to do him a favour and do it right so it didn't fuck him up even though he couldn't give me all the info I needed to do it........
Epskee: "If I'm so terrible *Inadequate Boyfriend* then why don't you just walk away? Forget you ever met me?"
Inadequate Boyfriend: "That wouldn't be very hard"
Remind anyone of another recent harsh comment? Or is it just me?
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Now I'm one of those people who can take responsibility for my own fuck-ups. Of which, in fact, there are many. And I firmly believe that when everything in your life is fucking up, that the world isn't against you, YOUR actually against you. Because when there's only one common denominator across a number of problems, then that common denominator is the source of the problem. (I mean, that's how you fix your car and stuff, but it works just as well with people problems) And in this case, I am aware that the only common denominator is ME, and that therefore I'M clearly the problem.
BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE!
If I am so darn terrible, why are these people in my life? If I'm so easy to leave, why don't they just leave?
I don't care how depressed I am lately. I'm still intelligent enough to know that I am allowed to finish my sentences. That When people treat me badly, that I am allowed to stand up for myself and tell them that's what they are doing.
And really?
I'm not a bitch for asking for enough respect that I be allowed to speak without being spoken over.
I'm not a bitch for calling you out on your dog acts.
I'm not a bitch for telling you what your doing is hurtful to me.
I'm not a bitch for agreeing to help you, and asking that you give me the information I need in order to give you that help.
I'm not a bitch for interrupting whatever your doing when I call. I cant actually see through space and time and know what your doing 50-odd km's away when I call.
I'm not a bitch for saying that if you cant be nice to me when I'm doing you a favour, that I just wont do it.
I'm not a bitch for telling you not to yell at me.
I'm not a bitch for yelling back when you don't stop.
I'm not a bitch for being frustrated and hurt when you do nasty things to me.
I'm not a bitch for telling you your being nasty or hurtful.
In fact, all of the things you hate about me, are things that are in DIRECT RESPONSE to you being an asshole.
Consider this:
1. I don't like you being an asshole to me
2. You don't like how I react to you being an asshole
Is it only me who can see that the way to make us both happy is for you to just, umm.......
Just think; if you aren't an asshole to me, I wont feel bad that your an asshole. If I don't feel bad that your an asshole, I wont call you on it, which according to you "gives you a headache".
Therefore, today's math lesson is as follows:
Please copy these into your workbooks and do the exercises on pages 41 - 43 for homework. This concludes today's lesson.
4 comments:
/sigh.
You are both the problem and yet you are not the problem, all at once.
I guess it's more that you HAVE a problem and it's that you are trying too hard to be nice.
I suspect this ties in with why you have been depressed lately.
I learnt the hard way - you can't be everything to everyone. Even though you like to give, even though you enjoy giving, you just CAN'T keep giving to everyone around you, because eventually, you're going to run out.
You give so much to all the people around you but how much do you give to YOURSELF? And sometimes, when you give so much to other people, you give to people who take advantage of you and you are too nice to call them on it.
Someone told me several years ago that I needed to learn to be selfish and I thought that was horrible, but now I get it. It's partly self-preservation and partly because you waste all this time on people who give you nothing in return and then when you are totally drained and have nothing left to give, they dump you, leaving you hurt, confused and bewildered thinking 'what did I do?'
When people ask you to do something, learn to ask yourself 'what am I going to get out of this?' if the answer is 'I want to be nice and help them' then that's fine, but once again, ask yourself 'and what am I going to get out of that?' and if the answer is 'they will be very happy and I know they will do something nice for me if I need a hand at some point' then that's fine but if the answer is 'well, in all honesty, they aren't going to appriciate it / they're probably going to yell at me and tell me I did it wrong anyway' then you simply say 'No'. It's hard at first but it gets easier with practice :-)
Don't ever feel bad for how you feel - it's bottling those feelings up, because you allowed people to make you think you were being unreasonable, that brought you to this pass.
For the love of God WHY do you let him treat you this way!
He treats you like crap, he uses y ou only when it suits him and by all accounts only when he wants something.
Relationships are give and take - but not not all give by one person & take by the other.
I am sure he must have sonme good qualities but he also appears to have a lot of baggage he needs to deal with and not use y ou as a dumping ground for all his inadequacies.
Giggles - much of that seems sensible, all of it requires more thought. I am appreciating your one-step-removed take on things. even if only to validate some of my own thoughts. Im in such a funk I keep second guessing myself and am finding it very hard to take action on anything in case my thoughts are influenced by my current feelings (or lack thereof)
Tracy - some truths there, but there is a "but" - dont forget we all like to paint a picture of ourselves that is rather slanted (as are our views). I certainly am not lilly-white in this, neither is he the devil incarnate. (although sometimes I think he is pretty darn close!)
Yeah, the second guessing is a bitch and it will drive you nuts, eventually.
I guess the biggest thing is to start taking your own feelings seriously.
If something or someone is making you unhappy more often then it is making you happy, then it's time to cut that person/ activity/ thing from your life or if someone hurts you, then you absolutely have the right to call them on it.
And it might be scary to take action in case it's the 'wrong' action to take when you are in this funk, but I always felt that any action was better then inertia.
Mind you, I'm also a bit of a fatalist but that's another story.
I guess you have a choice between staying on the hamster wheel you are on now or climbing out and doing something different.
(I can throw a few more metaphores around if you like?)
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