Things Prospective Employers Aren't Considering.....

It seems all I've managed to do round these parts lately is have a big fat girly cry into a tub of ice cream whilst watching Oprah and signing up to late night find-a-friend-you-loser phone dating services.

Anyhoooo.

I've come to the realisation that I have many absolutely outstanding qualities that make me the fucking kick arse Queen-of-all-that-is-holy (or non-devine, as the case may be) that I am.

So I have decided to compile a list of just a few of the skills etc that make me so super awesome that I have in utter abundance, but for one reason or another can't put on my CV.

So, in no particular order, my anti-poor-me list is:

• I possess the ability to turn anti-social, life destroying conditions into acts of pure genius.

So I am more than slightly OCD. Only on some things though so you cant call me crazy (not for that reason anyway) but I cleverly manage to turn this into a positive. We all know toilet rolls are hung OVER not UNDER, and whilst like most intelligent people I follow this in my own home, I also manage to turn this into a public service, as no matter what loo I use, be it a friends, or works, whatever, I will hang your loo roll properly for you! At work I take this an extra step and enforce a STRICT policy of only ever ordering Marbig Lever Arch File Folders. None of this officeworks crap, or Bantex, no siree Bob! Not of course because they may be of inferior quality, but becuase each is a slightly different shade of black, has a slightly different silver lined hole, and when lined up in a row on my desk, well, they just arent PERFECT. And I do like my folders to match.

• I have a fucking awesome rack

Oh yes, my tits are fucking GREAT!!! Oh yes my friend, these puppies are both HUGE and PERT. No mean feat I can assure you. How will this increase productivity? Help your staff achieve their KPI's? Well, they probably work against all that, but damn it they sure are pretty!

• I looovvveee giving oral

What has this to do with work? Sweet fuck all, but screw you I like it and damn it I'm good at it too. Why do you think my Inadequate Boyfriend puts up with my demanding crap? Because i suck cock like a freaking zen master, and will happily lay there licking a sweet wet pussy for literally hours on end. Oh. And let him watch. Fuck I kick ass.

• I am a walking encyclopaedia of inane shit

Got a question? Is it simple? Or really weird and out there, so much so that you wouldn't know where to look for the answer, and aren't even sure how the idea popped in your head? Chances are I'll know it. My brain is so full of totally random shite, you just wouldn't believe it. Even I don't know how the hell I acquired all this knowledge. But acquire it I did, and can't get rid of it to save my life. And if by remote chance I *dont* know it, well.....

• I am the Google Queen

I love me my google. igoogle is my home page. I use gmail. I use google reader. I use google maps not whereis. I use google bookmarks. google news. You name it, I use google for it. And in return, she loves me like the mother of a small fat retarded boy (which in a way I guess I am). google rewards me with the answer to anything I ask her (yes her, because women are smarter, mkay?). You lost it? I'll find it. With google.

• I will make you laugh when your life is in the crapper

8 year marriage disintegrated around you? Just been date raped? Found yourself pregnant at 14? House being forclosed on? Business partner ripped you off for 750K? No worries, just call me. I'll have you laughing into that beer in no time at all.

• You will never know what I'm going to say

Even my own mother (hell, ESPECIALLY my own mum) is constantly shocked by the things I think of, say, and do. Makes for fantastic one of a kind birthday presents, the guarantee of a good story to take home after a night on the piss, and just the general fun of never being bored of having me as a friend.

This may of course wear you down to a premature death, but hey, Que sera sera! (or more often uttered in my presence "Que le FUCK?"

I could probably go on and on, but my ego is capable of overfilling Maddison Square Gardens, so I'll leave it there. Unless there's something I've forgotten, in which case, let me know STAT, because I sure could use some cheering up atm.

Unless its about me being able to drink like a fish and almost never get a hangover. Thats not a trait, its a hard earned, well practised skill. Of which I'm more than happy to demonstrate at your expense!