H8RS

Lately Im getting a bit sick of more than one or two people in my life.

Firstly are those fuckheads who have been calling me fat & ugly lately. Yes, mostly they are guys who i turn down (although with Inadequate Boyfriend being such a cunt Im not sure why Im saying no) but still...... I mean the fat bit? Yeah, I know that. But ugly? Fuck you retard, Ive never been ugly for a single day in my life. Its not hurtful, its pissing me off. At least come up with an insult that works, you dumb shits.

Mind you, Im a bit sick of myself, too. Inadequate Boyfriend sent me a sms the other night about how im more than enough for him, and the first thought that went through my head was "yeah, i am fat huh, there IS too much of me". Fuck im a dumb bitch. I should have listened more to the closely following second thought which was "Fuck yeah you dumb shit, too right Im too fucking good for you". Something must really be done about my shitty head space.

There is someone who knows the full story of why im so pissed at IB and why he is such a fucking turd lately, you know, the full unedited version of the HUGE BIG LIE. And she has had a go at me for not knowing better. Telling em Im smarter than that etc etc etc ad nauseum. And its really pissing me off. You know what? I beat myself up about it enough already. Im not the fuckhead who lied and hid things and kept secrets, HE is. Im not the one who betrayed their partner, HE is. Im not the one who did anything wrong, HE is. And IM not the one who deserves to be punished and chewed out about it, HE IS!!!!!

You know, I did know. Or rather, I suspected. So no, Im not stupid. The wool wasnt completely over my eyes. But you know what? I suspected and confronted him on it, and HE LIED. What are you going to do? There comes a point where you wonder something, suspect something, so you confront the person. And after you confront them, you have to make a choice. Do you accept their response or not? Its not like I had proof, it was just a gut instinct, it was suspicion, which he denied. And there comes a point where you need to have faith and trust. When there is something questionable, you have to make a decision, and more often than not that is a decision based on faith. Nobody has complete proof of most the things they think they know. They take the evidence they have, and weigh it on the basis of probabilities and likelihood, and they make a choice. My choice was to trust my best friend, and man whom I love. In hindsight perhaps this was the wrong choice, but really, dont we all have to act on faith alone sometimes, rightly or wrongly?

Im not going to apologise for that anymore. Im not going to apologise for getting into the mess im in anymore either. Im done with that. Im not the one who lied and concealed. I did the right thing. I saw something I wanted, and I went after it. I tried. I made an effort. I trusted. I had faith. I opened up, adn took the risk. No they dont all pay off. So what? You gotta be in it to win it my friends........

(no he didnt cheat, mkay?)

Theres a guy IB and I know. He is married. His wife calls CONSTANTLY wanting to know where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, why, how, when, where, what time he will be home..... The man is so whipped. His wife literally calls him and demands he come home when she feels like it. Im not that kind of woman. I dont ever want to be like that.

I let my men have a pretty long leash. Yes I ask where he has been and who with etc, but its asking about his day, not keeping tabs on him. And I dont do that very often. Admittedly I have often been met with cagey responses, but I know he doesnt like being caged in. We talked about this the other night. I had to remind him that I dont ask him much, or often, and that even when i get non-answers, its only occassionally that I berrate him for that. I dont like being locked out of his life, no. But at the same time, he doesnt know everything I get up to either, and has no chance of that. He would actually be quite shocked to know just how much he DOESNT know. But thats how I like it. I have my own life, and so does he. Yes we share our lives, but that doesnt mean it becomes our LIFE, its still our LIVES. Its like living together and paying the bills together but keeping seperate bank accounts. Ive done the whole ONE LIFE thing with another man, and its not for me anymore. I like my independance, and I like that he has his.

Most of all though, I refuse to apologise for it. Just because I gave him a long leash and he used it to hang himself doesnt mean I was wrong for letting him have it. It means he was wrong for being stupid with it.

I dont want to follow my man around, blocking other women from him so he cant cheat. I want him to not cheat because he doesnt want to.

I dont want to push my man into a different job because the pay is better and we can have a better life. I want him to change positions because he wants a better life for us.

Im not going to apologise for trusting my partner and being betrayed. He is wrong for the betrayal, I was not wrong for the trust. If you cant trust your partner then why the fuck are you with them? Although we are still half on/half off because there is no trust left, this is not hypocritical because I am assessing whether the trust can be won back. (Yes I AM a prize, so WON is the right word, mkay?)

Im not going to apologise for taking the risk. It wasnt me who fucked it up. I was in it, prepared to win it.

And unlike another person who has been annoying me lately, I have the balls. This person is too scared to go after what he wants, because he might not get it. I dont understand this. If you are in love with someone and want to be with them, why not try and get them? Yes your going to be dissappointed if you try and it doesnt work out, but your missing out already by not trying aren't you? What is there to lose by trying? A slight increase in hurt? Well thats offset by the good times while it lasts isn't it? And at least you fucking tried. At least you fucking know. Isn't it better to regret something you did, rather than something you didn't? I'd prefer to know I gave it a shot. I don't want to spend the rest of my days not knowing if it could have been.

I had the balls to try and climb the mountain. So I fell off half way. So fucking what? At least I had a shot at making it to the top. You didn't even take a step. You never even had the chance. You were destined to stay at the bottom. Me? I fell and broke a few bones, sure. But once they have healed Ill be finding a new mountain to climb. I'll be having another crack at getting to the top. If i make it, I'll be up there looking down on you for the rest of my life. And if I dont make it, I'll fucking die trying. And in the afterlife, I'll still be better than you, because i can say that "at least i TRIED".

Thats why your sitting there shaking in your boots, poised half way between success and failure, too shit scared to get what you want when its sitting there right in front of you, and all you have to do is reach out and grab it. You have the chance to have the perfect job, the perfect wife, the perfect life. And your too chicken shit to get it in case you drop it. Your missing out by not reaching out. You cant see that your already failing by not trying. You dont have it now, do you? So what is there to lose?

But back to me. I tried. I climbed that mountain and yes, I fell. But at least I tried. I wont apologise for that. And I sure as shit wont apologise for some bastard pushing me off.