Breaking News: Men's Health

I've come to the stunning conclusion that all men should immediately visit their GP and get a hearing test organised.

Why is it that no matter how blatant you are in what you say, men only hear what they want to? I think its a genetic anomaly that the medical profession should investigate immediately and with gusto. We all know that to get something through to the male of the species that one must be simplistic in the extreme in order to hope for any sort of success in the endeavour.

I have learnt this lesson, and carry a large lump of 4x2 with me at all time, just so I am prepared for any encounter where I may actually want a man to LISTEN to me. I know the procedure, and practise it, the whole 10 Point Guide to Speaking to Men:

1. Cover all traces of cleavage from sight in the immediate vicinity
2. Dangle something bright and shiny in front of them to raise interest
3. Ensure eye contact
4. Reduce vocabulary to mono-syllabic words wherever possible
5. Limit number of words to bare essentials
6. Speak clearly and concisely
7. Clearly state the issue, and any required action (including time frame) on their part
8. Bash over the head - once and hard - to ensure statement sinks into their thick skull (repeat if required)
8. Ask if the man both heard AND understood what you said
9. Ask a specific question that can only be answered if they indeed WERE listening and not perving on the blonde behind you/thinking about beer,food,sex/replaying last nights porno in their mind
10. Glare accusingly at them until they indignantly declare that they WERE listening like they said they were, and don't know why you are looking at them like that/never trust them/always think they weren't paying attention

See? i know that doing all that means I have a slight chance at them having listened, and therefore am ahead of most other women in the country.

So why, after following the guide, do males continue to not hear me?

He told me what to do to get him to understand. He told me how to get him to listen.He told me he wanted to understand where I was coming from.

But no. It wasn't like that was it?

I tried, I really did. I went home and thought about it, about the differences between men and women. About how we communicate. About where we had been going wrong. About what I wanted, and how he would perceive it. About how when women talk about a problem, that we are sharing our lives, our thoughts, our desires.... connecting with one another. And how men just think we want them to solve it..... now, on the spot, and that's it.

I made sure I didn't place any blame. That I wasn't insulting him, making him feel less of a man, pointing out his faults, putting pressure on him, any of the million things we do by mistake that make the other person feel bad.

I made sure I thought about exactly what I wanted, and how I wanted it. I thought about what I could do to help myself get it, and what he could do to help give it to me.

I made sure I spelt out not just the problem, but the solution, so that even a 3 year old could understand. I made it concise, no waffle, no other issues confusing it, no reasonings, or examples.

Just "THIS is what's wrong. THIS is what I want. THIS is how we get it." I did what no other woman has ever managed to do. I broke our entire "relationship talk" down into a "45 second guide to getting more blowjobs and less lip."




He didn't listen.